such a physically exhausting day yesterday, and an intensely emotionally exhausting morning today that I spent all afternoon stuffing my face and watching tv under high anxiety (I have deadlines everywhere this weekend, and what do I do but watch tv and stuff my face). then tonight, cranky and feeling weepish, I briefly thought about who to call, and of course my mind went directly to N, who is the person I would normally call to talk about the ups and downs and cycle stuff and cheer each other up. but then I realized in a flash that she's the reason I'm emotionally exhausted and it might be possible that I can never call her again and chat with her like that, and I felt like my heart finally busted a little over this.

I had to call the cops for a suicide-threat check-in, and several thinly-veiled suicide/death messages, text messages, and phone conversations that involved her screaming at me, blaming me for not saving her, not valuing her. I tried calling the suicide line, but they told me the cops were the only option right now. I feel halfway like I ratted her out. mostly I'm so tired, and so worried because nobody has called me back. and I feel like crying.

So There. tomorrow, the deadlines. today, stuffing face and watching tv.