n. infantile pattern of suckle-swallow movement in which the tongue is placed between incisor teeth or between alveolar ridges during initial stage of swallowing (if persistent can lead to various dental abnormalities) v. [content removed due to Bush campaign to clean up the internet] n. act of nyah-nyah v. pursuing with relentless abandon the need to masticate and thrust the world into every bodily incarnation in order to transform it, via the act of salivation, into nutritive agency

Sunday, June 06, 2010

such a physically exhausting day yesterday, and an intensely emotionally exhausting morning today that I spent all afternoon stuffing my face and watching tv under high anxiety (I have deadlines everywhere this weekend, and what do I do but watch tv and stuff my face). then tonight, cranky and feeling weepish, I briefly thought about who to call, and of course my mind went directly to N, who is the person I would normally call to talk about the ups and downs and cycle stuff and cheer each other up. but then I realized in a flash that she's the reason I'm emotionally exhausted and it might be possible that I can never call her again and chat with her like that, and I felt like my heart finally busted a little over this.

I had to call the cops for a suicide-threat check-in, and several thinly-veiled suicide/death messages, text messages, and phone conversations that involved her screaming at me, blaming me for not saving her, not valuing her. I tried calling the suicide line, but they told me the cops were the only option right now. I feel halfway like I ratted her out. mostly I'm so tired, and so worried because nobody has called me back. and I feel like crying.

So There. tomorrow, the deadlines. today, stuffing face and watching tv.
I'm so sorry, J. Ugggghhh. I love you, hang in there...
xoxo. thanks, girl.
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