Just before I logged into my email account tonight, I thought: "I'm going to hear back from X Review now with a I'm sorry, but..."

This isn't a normal thought for me before logging in, and it's not exactly Y months since I submitted either. But it's exactly what I thought today ten seconds before I received the rejection.

I've been anxious lately. And my class was incredibly under-enrolled and so was cancelled. And I don't have much money, but the bills keep coming in. And something happened with my eye that felt like I had a paper cut on the pupil, and it swelled up and leaked pus-like stuff all day. I think we can officially call this "a bad week."

I'm going to friggin' spam my work out there.
And I'm going to start writing to an exercise first thing in the morning.
And bike more.
And stop having bad psychic moments.
Or feeling anxious in the middle of the night.
And do better instead.

The perk of the day was that, squinting from under a handkerchief, I finished the book The Poet and the Murderer, and I liked it.

"The heart wants what it wants, or else it does not care" (Dickinson).

[a] Hallelujah.

[b] Wow, this is going to be a summer of decisions and changes.

[c] My dog is very cute. Right now: he is being super cute.

[d] Repeat of [b]

NM says it's my "animal magnetism" that has caused a deer, a mink, and a coyote to run out directly in front of, or into, or under my car in the past month. All I know is I'm starting to feel superstitious.

The coyote: ran right in front of my car last night, darting out across a major highway on which I was doing the speed limit of 50. I saw him and instantly laid on my horn, which fortunately sped him up so that he made it away alive.

The mink: at least I think it was a mink; it might have been a very big, weird-looking wood rat or something. Whatever it was, it scurried right under my car. I'm fairly sure it got mushed, unless it has mad tire-dodging skills. I couldn't tell in the rear-view mirror.

The deer: actually ran into the front-side of my car, busted my left blinker, rolled up onto my hood (which it dented), then into my window (NM said she could see her little hoofy paws flailing), which cracked in many, many places, and finally up over my roof, rolling and rolling and then landing on her feet behind the car, and taking off. I totally screamed like a girl. Then I pulled over and went out to see if we needed to put her down. She was standing in the woods about twenty yards off, looking irritated. When I went in to see if she was okay, the doe took off racing, no doubt seriously bruised, but hopefully not irreparably injured.

We were on our way to camp on the beach, and I wasn't sure if this meant we weren't supposed to go back home, or what. We didn't though. But like I said, I'm getting superstitious.

***

I have been pretty damn busy. Right now I am house-sitting for my mother's business partner, far out in the grassy farmland county. It's triggered my allergies something ruthless, but has also been very peaceful and quiet.

NM was supposed to house-sit with me for both weeks, but she just joined me for the second week. This has turned out to be okay, because I enjoyed the gentle solitude of the first week, and I think it's made it easier for me to deal with the typical NM-isms that can sometimes drive me nuts. We've squabbled a couple of times -- over her writing, which is slooooow and freaks me out because she only has a couple more months before her dissertation is DUE, and also over kitchen cleaning, which I think is always difficult to sort out between two people who have their own distinct ideas about cleanliness. Overall, she is more germ-anal than I am, and overall, I am more tidiness-anal than she is. But by and large, we've had a really nice time.

Last night, we met up with MH to walk the nearby river path with Herald, MH's dog Lucy, and the dog I am sitting, Oliver. It was beautiful -- half storm-threatening, half sunny -- and the grasses were chin height, the river full and strong, and the dogs and people giddy and happy. We brought a beer each and sipped it as we meandered the path. Our allergies got brutal, noses sniffly. The wide roses blooming, the eagles looming large on the barnyard snags. I get goofy around NM and MH together... happy. I like the dynamics of three, I really do.

When we were done, we came back to the house and BBQ'd shish-kabobs that had been marinating while we walked. I've never done shish-kabobs before. Actually I haven't done much in the way of BBQ before. They were delicious, especially supplemented with bread and salmon dip, strawberries, and leftover rice and salad. We ate outside, bundled, and at one point it sprinkled a tiny bit on us. The sunset was a storm sunset, and the dogs were showing off to earn table treats.

Truthfully, it was supposed to be "writing group" night, but lately that has been a mere excuse for MH and I to get together, have a beer, and catch up on each other's lives. We haven't written for awhile, though I think we will soon.

MH thanked me for my animal magnetism via text once she got home. Apparently I kept the coyotes from running in front of her car.

Anyhow, I like it out here though I am looking forward to getting home and attending to my garden, which should finally be putting forth some growth.

***

Last Saturday, I went home and gardened. I put in the two remaining 10-foot beanpoles, NM helping with one and CR helping with the other until they were both ready and I climbed a ladder to string them up like spider webs. I really hope the beans grow! Otherwise, I will feel sheepish.

Other than that, my flowers are looking great and the vegetables less so. They are ready for some serious sun.

***

I finally got my class schedule for the summer, and lo and behold my class starts at 8am four days a week. Hilarious. The early hours will be good for me though, and I've already started to work on going to bed earlier and getting up earlier... I note that this is easier without rum. Hmmmm. Anyhow, I'm hoping I get enough students registered for the class to be a go. Right now I've only got one, which makes me feel like biting my nails and drinking rum.

I will not drink rum, don't worry.

I am excited though if it's a go... I've got plans. Part of the plan is to do all of the writing I assign to my students, so the class acts as an intensive warm-up for the summer work I want to do. The other part of the plan is to start working out and doing yoga in the morning after class again. My back has been shit and my feet are pretty damn arthritic (or something), so I need to get back into a regime quick-like. This is easier when I have morning classes, even if I don't like the getting up part.

***

My sister comes home this Saturday. The roller derby is this Saturday. SP's graduation party is this Saturday. My sister's 31st birthday is this Sunday. Intrestin'

***

I finally went to the bookstore and bought a couple of books about, hmmm, well, re-programing the brain. Actually the first book is about brain activity, and the parts of the brain responsible for certain mental processes and illnesses. The author, a psychiatrist, shows these brain scans he does on patients with mental disorders and talks about the medication + cognitive therapy work he does to target these different parts of the brain. The other book is about buddhist meditation and its links to psychotherapy.

Anyhow, I told MH I got these and she asked if it was for NM. A fair question, and I have to admit I've learned about NM by reading the first one: she still has piss-poor short-term memory, to the point of not even remembering when she has or hasn't called me. And other issues as well, which seem to make more sense now.

But actually I got the books for myself... with a two-part goal. One, to unstuck myself. Part of that has to do with thinking positively despite my back and foot problems, and despite not finding the type of relationship I want, and not achieving the kind of success I would like. Two, and this is related to the first I think, to help with the obsessive thoughts and grudge-holding that takes over my brain despite all of my best efforts to short-circuit them. I've decided that if I can't redirect my brain away from the brainruts by the end of the summer, I am going to go to a psychiatrist and get on medication. But that means I have to try the recommended cognitive exercises for the next three months and see if I can't re-direct my thoughts.

It didn't take very long for me to find description of the very problem with obsessive-recursive thoughts that I have. Possibly, there's an issue with the cingulate and deep limbic portion of this ol' brainpan. Despite the embarrassing nature of the whole thing, it makes me feel hopeful to see likeways stories.

I don't mind obsession, but some forms are productive (artistic) and other kinds are debilitating (pointless bitterness). The funny thing is my logical side is far more reasonable and forgiving and hopeful and cheerful and sweet than my emotional side, which is brooding and vicious. I would like all the thinking I've done, all the processing and empathy-work I've done, to count for more, to be in control a bit more, to carry the day and activate the productive energy and void the anger, but it doesn't.

It's exhausting to be caught in a kind of circular battle that is actually boring and banal.

So, I'm ready to obsess on oceans and webs and narrative design... ready to change.

***

I did the artwalk for awhile last Friday, though had to get home to the dogs before the time it gets super-busy. I tend to get a little discouraged by the artwalks though. Nobody is really interested in what I do. Some people are interested in my studiomate's art, but she doesn't actually do much new work. So, I get to look at the same stuff and hear the same comments, and have people by and large ignore my new stuff, which I understand since it is mostly children-book stuff.

But if I had a dime for everyone who asks "This is done on a computer?" and then turns up their noses and leaves, I'd be much better off financially. Like computer work is less difficult? Apparently just less impressive. Ah well. I better just press on anyways. The process definitely affirms that my stuff is book-project stuff and not wall-art stuff. And probably just not fine art stuff at all. Heh.

***

Only 1.5 weeks of classes left to the quarter. Hell yeah.

I would like to write my paper on Torcher, which I think is bad although others think it is good.

&

McCain is an older male cockasian who was a POW and now is a politician.

From the same student, who has the most remarkable mispellering abilities ever!