"I have now decided upon the following: in each case, these people [queers] will naturally be publicly degraded, expelled, and handed over to the courts. Following completion of the punishment imposed by the court, they will be sent, by my order, to [removed due to rethinking of the issue and potential explosiveness of Americans' misunderstanding of the term], and they will be shot in the [removed again] while attempting to escape. I will make that known by order to the unit to which the person so infected belonged. Thereby, I hope finally to have done with persons of this type in the [nation], and the increasingly healthy blood which we are cultivating for [this country] will be kept pure."

-An "American" hero who knew a ban wasn't Good Enough, Heinrich Himmler

So, our President is finally introducing a ban-queer-marriage ammendment to the legislature. Most people agree that it won't pass, but I for one am glad that it made it up to the top of the priority list of productive actions for our government to be discussing. After all, as one good fellow put it, marriage between a man and a woman is one of the biggest moves we've taken to protect our children. Hell yeah!

Without marriage, this nation would be rampant with child and other domestic abuse, heavy drug use, AIDs and other STDs, war, hatred, poverty and so forth. Marriage has put so many protections in place, and given man the opportunity to provide for his family in a responsible and not overly-controling way at all. It has also allowed for the free expression of femininity and aprons.

Anyhow, since we are finally doing something about all those muff-divers and butt-pilers in order to make sure they know God looks down on their bedroom proclivities with great distain and (dis)interested attention, I propose we also get to the business of introducing the following bills into contention for the good of this nation.

1) Ban olives on Pepperoni Pizza. The two just don't mix. We've had a nation with simple Pepperoni and cheese for a very long time. This is what our Constitution says is an "ideal pizza," and we shouldn't mess with the Ideal. Messing with the Ideal will just give our children ideas that they can go ahead and put doggy-doodoo on their pizza. Give kids an inch and they'll take a mile.

2) Ban female lions from roaring. It's just wrong.

3) Ban Blacks from having iPods. True, it might reduce the money big business makes, but betrothal stores everywhere have decided this is an okay concession to make with those nasty finger-lickers and anal-nosers, so Apple is going to have to make some sacrifices too. And it is a well-known fact that prohibiting negroes from having music protects our children.

4) Ban catalitic converters. Those little Devil's Instruments deprive us of the good Old-Fashioned smell of Raw Engine.

5) Ban bums, hoboes, and other sluff-abouts. Just go buy a home, you cheapskates!

6) Ban on the push to help "geeks, computer nerds, and general wimps" from not having to pay our future army anti-terrorists their milk money in grades K-8. Obviously, this weakens the nation's bone structure and gives precedence to those who go against God's own decision to make some folks with poorer vision. If He'd intended glasses and pocket protectors, he would have had them grow on the umbilical chord. And just think how much stronger our President might have been if Henry Junior had passed over that 75-cents a day instead of ratting him out to the lunch duty teacher!

7) Ban people from going peepee while talking on their cellphones. If I wanted to hear you tinkle, I'd go to a public restroom with you and look over the stall door while I'm at it.

8) Ban all languages but English. For awhile we were just talking about making English our national language, but I suggest that we might as well go ahead and take it that one step further. Who needs other languages? And every time someone sings something like "ohh, mira, puede ver, por la luz de la madrugada..," it's like they are suggesting that not only is the English vocabulary insufficient, so is our syntax. We don't need that kind of lingual terrorism rampant on this planet! Let's just toss the fuckers in jail.

9) Ban female ejaculation. They should just do more Keggel exercises and it won't be a problem. You only need one gusher per water-bed, you know what I'm saying?

10) Ban agnosticism. Fucking fence-sitters. Don't they know that it's black or white. Black. or White. White. or Black. Take your pick, but stop pretending there's more to Heaven and Earth than we know of. We've got God on our shoulders and in case you weren't paying attention, omniscient means "all knowing," which means that everything is known when you pray and have faith. And what I know, with got at my back is: Black or White, fuckers.

Anyhow, that will finally turn all those "activist judges" into deactivated nonjudgers, and remove the verbalizations that took the darkies from our possession and gave women the fucking right to own property!