n. infantile pattern of suckle-swallow movement in which the tongue is placed between incisor teeth or between alveolar ridges during initial stage of swallowing (if persistent can lead to various dental abnormalities) v. [content removed due to Bush campaign to clean up the internet] n. act of nyah-nyah v. pursuing with relentless abandon the need to masticate and thrust the world into every bodily incarnation in order to transform it, via the act of salivation, into nutritive agency

Thursday, May 18, 2006

ash accuracy

Kerrol hooked herself up with the professional etch-a-sketch artisan job after she flew into a post-breakup rage and etched her ex-boyfriend’s genitalia into the fine dust of her childhood drawing tool.

When she was a kid, Kerrol would get angry at her parents with a kind of tantrumy regularity they came to expect and batten down for. During some of these moments, she exercised her limited artistic skill and rolled the details of her fury across a grey sheet, which she would leave on the kitchen table until everyone had a good look. Usually it was her sister who would reach over, tip the toy upside down, and give things a good shake, as if flattening the layers of grey silt might neaten her sister's rough moods.

[Actually, and she had never shared this fact with anyone, Kerrol had experimented for three weeks when she was eight by doing handstands against the crayoned wall of her bedroom and shaking her head at the same time… she could do this for three minutes before falling over, dizzy and red-faced. But it didn’t work and she still could remember things, some even greater than traces, from as far back as two years ago. Kerrol finally shed that experiment, although she wrote it up in her diary as worthy of having tried.

Worse yet, and this was something she had likewise never told anyone, but she had repeated the experiment 20 years later after an extended kiss from a boss who populated her memory with poor performance reports.]

At the following ages, Kerrol sketched the following:

(5 years) – The beautiful house where they would adopt her when she ran away. Sunflowers under the window.

(6 years) – The gristled teeth and fat zits that were sprouting all over her sister’s face.

(8 years) – The family she had been accidentally severed from when hospital bassinettes had been swapped at her birth. Her lost family's mean, ugly child, who was supposed to have gone to her present family.

(9 years) – Dragon that would rip limbs from torsos.

(11 years) – A mock-up of a page from her sister’s diary--the page that confessed who she liked. This sketch did not remain within their childhood home.

(13 year) – Portraits plus 100lbs.

And so forth. By the time she got around to etch-a-sketching Gerald’s penis—which she would photograph and post on the internet at both the etch-a-sketch open submission website and an anonymous blog she had created for the dual purpose of trash-talking all her ex’s and humiliating them with the juicy details of her current sex life—she had actually built up a fair amount of skill in capturing the “little moments,” as she liked to call them.

Just to make sure that Gerald understood her annoyance, Kerrol sent him a fewer-KB version of his dick via email and then ignored the message informing her that she would now be blocked out of his email account. She knew she got him; everything was far too accurate for him not to be smarting for a few years over that one.

The president of the etch-n-sketch company informed her that they would prefer her to rethink content, but ample application of feist would be acceptable. When she changed her professional focus to politics, she still posted the xxx’s on her blog though.


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