it's pouring outside right now, can't say I mind it, can't say I find it anything but soothing today, quite green, although it's 2:30 a.m. in the PacNorthwest.


as my plane came in I caught sight of the mountains, a long chain that seems smaller by air, larger by memory, by exploration. long dry mountains ripples coming in, all the snowcover up in British Columbia or with a tilt of the plane, the Olympic Penn. I found a perfect sight of downtown Seattle, of the water, of the dryness off east, and Mt. Baker hovering so closely north. I was listening to music until instructed to turn it off. right in the middle of it and mountains and ocean and downtown and touching down, haunting it all, all ready to be here, I started crying and couldn't stop softly even with two co-passengers watching it all beyond my shoulder - the thought of why i still haven't ever come back, although we all do.

I guess I'm just at that point in my life when I realize that for any dreams to come true, I'm just going to have to turn them upside down. the reverse of what we are told, which either get your feet on soil realize the deal down here get yourself out of the myth you make, or to reach for stars touch them feel their shine, etc etc. and I think it's all the opposite of all that but making the airy land reach out and touch whatever you're going to have to make do with and give it some kind of diatomic shine, sliding off your fingers in realtime as you decide, take the jump risk to jump into something that is actually quite frigid, likely to turn your lips blue, and not "make it happen" but maybe. just see what is. in a fashion more likely to keep you going hopefully for some reason i will soon find because i am losing it these days. losing why love, family, friendship, respect is enough when you haven't had hope of touch sharing vision getting past fear not-alone. all these questions lately about why precisely i, not just anyone, but me personally, i, keep going when the thing I've always wanted most to see with to share to give in the venture together and have someone gasp and wrap a hand around... well, i'm thinking... not just the arm, not the ass, not something simply pleasure but above not just that one single star that pops out in the city because it's not a star but a planet and ever so close and thus can make it through every form of smog or headlight, but the photon of something eternally distant and further in time than ever was. maybe just an arm around the waist.

just to be clear on this:

i have been to a cd-release party with a friend and bouncing up up up, tapped down. rafting, drinking with a best buddy, glimpsed the ex twice (i think, definite on the second time, when i thought my god, she's gone butch, but seems to be owning it, and dodged down the street so fast even though i felt healthy and curious and nostalgicish, just because i realized the healthy and curious has somehow been related to saying no, mostly to myself, but no). attended a pride parade, hula-hooped, been to two movies, walked on three paths, heard fountains riveting and rain finding, shown up drunk to a family affair and managed to not be rotten, visited a favorite prof, been honest, danced poorly with my sister and admired her flowers which she knows the names of better than i do, missed friends, hottubbed, shoved my face into wild honeysuckle, stared at a green heron or least bittern and not known which, connived my father into buying me three new books i'm excited to read, enjoyed a few essays, been attacked by a rottweiler, lost at air hockey, won at pool (just at the last moment), taken pictures, stretched my back which is still fucked up to the point of near panic, hung out with cousins, watched a frog, held a newt found by a friend...

yah. i'm trying. really want to live a thousand lifetimes with as much frequency and variation as possible before my fastforward life might run short which i think possible maybe, and sometimes hope for as long as i manage to write a few things to make me myself, beth nugent, and my family proud before all that.


i've also been feeling a bit oddsad about the recent dating session, which seems like further emphasis of the idea that i should really just step off, just find satisfaction/nirvana with what faces me and learn to live without the humanity idea of how-we-should-desire-to-live.

boo! it was so good for so very short a time, i can't wrap my head around it. but it has taught me that understanding is not just about the intellect and getting it, but also about accepting the true consequences of what you understand and acting moving speaking through with that thoroughly-taken state even when it doesn't feel right (i.e. what you want). that said, i'm still telling myself to stick my chin through the streetlight illuminating my green skeleton with pride and the-best-i-can-do. i guess.

it'd be so easy to run off with that persistent 18-year old who was the most energetic enthusiast in my life, in a way. no matter what is said, women after 25 are selfish-selfcentered cats in need to heal themselves. it's a strange thing, not a judgement because i know its genuine, i do, after a fashion. but if i hear the word 'selfish' spoken again in terms of a relationship, i'm going to gag on whoever's shoes it might be, and then sob for three hours without leaving their presense just so it comes through that the attempt toward selfless/balanced is just as hard in the quest towards healthing our memories vivid, dark and aroundabouts.

see, look at me whine. but to put it in perspective - I had a nightmare a few nights ago that I drunk-text-messaged something to this girl. and I woke up in a panic and ran to my phone, only to feel relieved that I had actually managed to not expose myself for no reason in two weeks.

then I went on and had a full huge day here all to myself, and it will always be something I had to myself. years and years as such and I'm pretty sure I don't even want to write it all down anymore.

hope the fishing is bizarre enough this year, yep i do.