n. infantile pattern of suckle-swallow movement in which the tongue is placed between incisor teeth or between alveolar ridges during initial stage of swallowing (if persistent can lead to various dental abnormalities) v. [content removed due to Bush campaign to clean up the internet] n. act of nyah-nyah v. pursuing with relentless abandon the need to masticate and thrust the world into every bodily incarnation in order to transform it, via the act of salivation, into nutritive agency

Thursday, January 29, 2009

the most boring life in the world

yeah yeah yeah so I keep thinking about what to write, not just here but in general, and I guess I have stories to work on (perhaps too many, perhaps that's why I can't get started on any of them, or actually I'm started, but I can't get further on any of them) and I'm just about ready to sigh and roll my eyes and smack each of my cheeks I'm so fed up with myself and the state of my brain, but honestly, when you have the most boring life in the world (perhaps I just wasn't cut out for this bucolic deal), there's really not much to get the right kind of energy going. I mean, there's quite a bit out there intellectually that I'd likely be fascinated and intrigued by, but I can't seem to get up the energy to start following them, and I'm absolutely tired of exercising, going to the same dog park, and not seeing anybody outside my family and students except for one day a week, usually Saturday, well... actually that's not accurate. I see many, many people but I don't really have intricate conversations with any of them. I miss sitting down to coffee with people, and I miss doing art with people, and I miss hearing about art with people, and so forth. And now that I'm on the topic, and rest assured that I'm not on the topic, I'm in a basic quandary about the nature and appeal of blogs. Most blogs I imagine could be considered healthy - or at least many of them - and in particular those that appear to be 'healthy' are those ones that also have a topic. Like c2's blog, about meals and town-ramblings with quite a few pictures highlighting the specific appeal of such. My blog, on the other hand, seems to me to be just what a blog shouldn't be, which is random, scattered, about a number of things, and quite frequently dangerously personal. There's a bit of putting myself out on the line, a putting out there that I seem to scale back on every year as I realize that there are people out there, not very many people mind you, for whom this is the only 'interaction', as it were, they have with my life, and what they read here is the only part of me they let inside their mind, and so they on some level might know me quite intimately, but on quite a few other levels don't know me at all, but this is okay with me for strangers but when it makes friends into strangers as we try to reconcile the one with they other, I get nervous as this allows for a very strange dynamic that has started making me feel more and more exposed as I sense that some of the information I put out there could be used to manipulate, and not just manipulate me, but it could be for me to manipulate others, or others to manipulate others, and this is because for the most part I don't write too much fiction here. I try to be ethical and not talk about fights, romantic relationships, or other people's passions, but I reckon everyone could read this or that into my words. Take for instance the number of blogs I've 'banned' myself from reading over the years because I feel like either a) some message is being transmitted specifically to me, or about me, but subtly and hidden so that nothing can be discussed or addressed without the other person having recourse to saying b) I'm off my rocker and "reading into things." That's the problem, yes. Sometimes I "read into things," and sometimes I'm damn sure that I was meant to (poisoning), and other times I can't help wondering if I'm off my rocker, and so I 'ban' myself from reading and then in a few week's time, ignore my own ban. But for those of you out there who might have made it this far into the paragraph; this place isn't an adequate safety zone. I don't know how to say it, but to be honest, I just think blogs are trolls for attention, mine included, and it makes me increasingly uncomfortable to admit it, and increasingly uncomfortable that most of the attention it appears to get me is unacknowledged or unspoken, and the deal is that I wouldn't write this blog anymore were it not for two reasons. One, there are a couple of close friends/family out there who don't see me very often in the actual world, and this appears to be a jumpstart for conversation that occurs elsewhere. Two, if I take digital pictures, where are they supposed to go? So, I keep on going, but then ban myself from writing too much when I think that yet another one of my "friendships" is sinking into fiction via regular fantastical internet meetings. I think I hate the internet right now. My way of being on it is at least partially responsible for me having the most boring life in the world. The other part is I look around Bville, and look and look, and then I look further away, and try to imagine being out there, and I can't figure out what I want other than to live closer to real people. To have more people like NM, who refuses to read my blog (as I've always told her: thank god) and instead talks to me on the phone, in my life. And it's now noon, and I told myself I only had fifteen minutes for a mini-rant, and so this is the end.
I am glad you blog, woman. Even though we are relatively close friends, many days I feel as if I don't know what's up with you, so your blog allows me at least a glimps of what your doing, photographing, or thinking.

Anyway...I would cry if you stopped.

P.S. Want to go for coffee?
You're right about all of it. I've been doing this a while, but I have abandoned blogs all over the place. I have some for family things, some for personal things, private blogs I write and blow up. Sometimes it feels good just to get stuff out of your head, then you wonder why you need to do it where others can see. There have been a few times where readers have helped me get through some things. Other times, the process of getting it out there is what renews me. I was ready to quit blogging when my class canceled. That's when I felt the need to at least document what I've learned so far, so others could use it. Have you tried flickr. for your photos? I put mine all up on flickr and my family follows along. You can even set it to link to your blog and you can post to the blog directly from flickr. Maybe I'll blog about that :)
La, Coffee sounds good. I'll be slogging through the manifestos on Sunday at VB. See you there? I promise promise promise to be there by 3pm this time.

Jennifer, Hi! Thanks for the comment. I'm a bit amused to get response when I'm in one of my hand-throwing-up phases. It happens mostly when I'm not making enough art... sigh.

I'll look into flickr; I think I avoided it because I thought it was... hmmm, actually I don't know what I thought it was, but I've seen flashing photos on other people's pages, and always felt like I wanted to see the photos laid out in a spread or something instead.

So far I haven't abandoned too many of my own blogs - one psuedo-persona blog and a couple of teaching blogs that were experiments in a class about private and public spaces. I figured a web-journal is the perfect place to ask what is it about contemporary culture that's mothdrawn to the blurring of that particular line. No conclusions though.

Regardless, I threaten to leave the blogging world pretty often and then don't.

Is that your tattoo? I have a Haida owl. The flashy flickr things you see are just badges. When you do a blog post from flickr, it takes the image and creates a new post directly to your blog. You could also do a photo blog. I've seen some nice templates for that. here are some from a few of my friends:
I do like the way those blogs look, especially the first one, not to mention the content. It's been so long since I tweaked around with the format... obviously quite a number of changes have hit blogspot since then. verrrry interesting.

Yep, my tattoo... it's a Haida fish/ancestor... guess we know what region we're both from. Heh. In Chicago during the summer (the tattoo's on my shoulder, so doesn't become visible until the glaciers melt), I was working at a plant nursery, and I could tell every single customer from the West Coast because they'd either say, "Is that a Haida design?" or "What kind of salmon is that?"

Would your friends mind if I linked to their blogs?
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