don't know why but a slow depressed feeling crept over me today, slowly, starting with the morning being happy and positive, washing the dishes and tidying the house, more comfortable, orange juice and my english muffin with artichoke tapenade and smoked gouda, and then taking h on a walk in the partial skies with my mom, the dog park which is one of my favorite places, out for lunch with mom and h, then the day started descending. went to pick up my car from the shop (it died again on the freeway on monday, me coasting with my heart in my nasal passages, praying that the coast doesn't get me run over but to the side of the road), and the repairs cost over my "high estimate," which I make purposefully high to prevent the surprise from depressing me, but whoops, so I leave and have to park outside a store, but accidentally put a quarter in the meter forgetting that it's veteran's day, but the store is closed, and then when I go to start my car it won't start. I wait for a few minutes, try again, nothing, punch the seat and call cr to ask if he thinks it's normal. it starts when he tells me it's normal, and then I'm off to comment on papers. figure I'll try something new and use a program everyone at college has been raving about... that captures the screen and your voice, saves it, uploads it and gives you a link you can send your students, all of which I do, except that it doesn't save me time like I've been told - it takes me at least 3x as long to do everything, and then once I've uploaded all the vids, and I click on them, they don't work (they only show 1/4 of the screen at best, so you can't see what I'm pointing to). all that fucking work. so I drive home way after hours, and start to feel really sad on the way home, thinking of all the money and then time I've blown with nothing to show for it, and how little it counts, and how the only money I've wanted to spend recently is turned down, and how disconnected I am from all my friends, and how there doesn't seem to be any way to repair all the drift and inevitable entropy of our connections, and it just really hurts all of a sudden that I don't feel (knocking around somewhere inside me) that closeness to anyone, although I love many and am in a sense close to my mom but I don't mean like that I mean to someone who is not related, but I wish for that closeness but haven't felt it for years and it seems harder and harder to keep people near me almost like I have to hold them away because I never see them. every time I've started feeling close, something has clued me into the falseness of that impression, and people have gotten harsher in their disconnection, more absent in their silence. when I got home, mom could tell I was upset and made me eat a little spaghetti and told me that at least h quivers and waits by the door until I come home. it made me smile and hug him, but then I was stupid and read e's blog, even though I know I'm not supposed to when I'm sad, and it's always affirmation, things that can't be about me pretending to be aware; I was barely even noticed, so how could I imagine a part? sometimes I feel like we traded fate, or maybe karma. so now I'm all tired and weepy (leaking), and I have to get up early tomorrow and come up with a solution for my students, and then a lesson plan, and then tutoring, and then a means of getting through the other five piles waiting for me this weekend, and I was hoping to have Friday to write, but it's looking like a lost cause. maybe it'll be sunny again tomorrow. at least that part was perfect.