n. infantile pattern of suckle-swallow movement in which the tongue is placed between incisor teeth or between alveolar ridges during initial stage of swallowing (if persistent can lead to various dental abnormalities) v. [content removed due to Bush campaign to clean up the internet] n. act of nyah-nyah v. pursuing with relentless abandon the need to masticate and thrust the world into every bodily incarnation in order to transform it, via the act of salivation, into nutritive agency

Thursday, March 24, 2011

anxiety and allergies

Woke up at 1:30am last night both furious and chockablock with allergy snuffles, sneezes, and fever.

Texted my dad bitching him out for assigning me, and my press name, credit on the inside cover for the layout of his recent chapbook cover, which I did not, nor ever would, design: an ugly skinny naked woman on a beach, cut off at the crotch -- an image from one of his old porno magazines. Funny how my dad translates me being a mensch and putting his layout into the computer as he hovers over my shoulder, drooling and pointing, as a product of my studio work. He also called himself my "daddy" in his acknowledgments page, which I've asked him a thousand times not to do 'cause it justifiably creeps me out.

Tried to get back to sleep.

Woke up at 2:30am still sneezing and miserable and feeling scratchy.

Thought about moss spores (I had just ridded my garden of a bunch).

Got up and took a shower.

Felt less allergic to everything, and tried to get back to sleep.

Woke up at 3:30am having dreamt of an earthquake, completely convinced that we actually were experiencing an earthquake and everything was shaking.

Decided everything was not shaking.

Got upset about a helicopter that I kept hearing going overhead.

Started wondering if I was imagining said helicopter going overhead.

Tried to get back to sleep.

Woke up at 4:30am angry and bewildered to find myself single again.

Became utterly convinced that I would spend the rest of my life alone and unsexed.

Got angry at SP for already having a new girlfriend, or at least I think so. How can a person say they love you and swap you out in less time than it takes Herald to dry off?

Reminded myself that things aren't that simple, and that I've done stuff like that in my past, and that SP has always treated me incredibly well, and that we weren't exclusive even when we were together, and that it was I who told her I couldn't give her more right now, and that it's perfectly legitimate for her to go on and search for what it is she wants.

Felt jealous for a few minutes that it comes so fucking easy for some people, this finding of interested parties, this being cute enough and social enough and amazing enough to draw a variety of people who want to love you.

Reminded myself that SP adored me, and it still wasn't enough.

Held Herald's head in my armpit.

Reminded myself that I love SP and want her to be happy.

Felt like a complete and utter failure at everything--writing, teaching, loving, being a friend, keeping in shape, caring about myself, investing in the future.

Reminded myself that my life can change, maybe. And that my garden is almost totally prepped and ready for the early crops.

Tried to get back to sleep.

Dreamt of a collision of ships on a river--one a cruise ship, and the other a smuggling ship. Part of the dream involved a system of pulleys rigged on a hill to get the ships up a waterfall.

Woke up at 7am to a text from my father apologizing.

Felt guilty for having bitched the clueless fellow out because I was irritated and anxious.

Told him it was okay, and that I had dreamt of an earthquake and that in the dream I climbed under his hideous homemade couch to protect myself from falling debris... because not even a twenty-story building could crush that fucker...

Listened to the frogs quieting slowly, and the birds taking over.

Tried to get back to sleep.
SP loves you too.
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