I used to be pretty good about change, but apparently no more.

Good news: I finally broke down and read my student evaluations. They appeared to like me. I.e. the overall cluster of comments was positiv-o, almost as if the consensus was I did my job pretty darn well.

Bad news: My application to teach a "non-sequence class" (creative writing) was denied for the upcoming year. I know I had folks on my side, but the problem appears to be that everyone in the department is desperate to teach something other than the same ol'. The classes aren't really given via qualification, or even seniority although seniority helps. My impression is that mostly they want to spread the love around. The department chair was very nice about this, actually, and asked me if I'd be willing to consider and work for an additional class for the summer. Summer 2012. And she talked about *if* there were an addition of an online class, how I'd be the person they'd look to in order to fill in for the in-person alternative... if and if.

I get that they're trying very hard to cover all the bases. And they recognize the fact that I work hard for them, and know my shit. But that's not really enough in this environment when everything has to be justified ten times over, and everyone needs so badly the little ray of sunshine that newness provides.

That is, it's impossible to be angry about this. But it is nevertheless a deal-breaker for me. I think.

I mean, I've become the biggest coward and stability-hound that ever existed, so it's hard for me to compute the alternatives. But when my own mom starts talking about positions she's 'heard' are available in Texas, maybe it's time to really figure the cut and run.

God. Fuck. Shit. Errrrr. Fuck, again.

Obviously I need a job where I am so needed I actually have a little bit of say... whether the say is financial or otherwise.

I wish I had a reason. That would make everything a little easier, or at least blind. So far, my only reason is the belief that I could, full stop, if the conditions were just so. But I don't think that's enough. Or maybe it would be enough to get me started again (god, I love the keyboard of my new computer; it's like making love to venomous snakes and small streams over polished rocks while listening to jason collet and reading science fiction). Difficult to know... especially if I toss myself out into the maelstrom.