I can't decide if it's Bville I dislike or if Bville dislikes me.

I don't think it's the place, because I truly think it's one of the most beautiful spots around, and I spend any lengthy time away from it missing it. But I think Bville and I have a messed-up social relationship. I.e. the people in Bville don't seem to like me very much.

I spent my morning biking loop around the lake (with my cute little helmet and a compilation put together by my sister, which ends perfectly with:



) alternately internally griping, and chastising myself for playing right into the whole thing and acting like a sulky dumbass.

On the side for internal griping, I finally gave up on going to the Stringband Jamboree after trying to find someone to go with me all year, and failing. NM backed out at the last minute, and so I decided not to go alone this year.

It's such great music, such great atmosphere, and sweet camping near the river at an old logging show ground... but it's a collective atmosphere. It's friends and families who have gathered and circled their tents around a central table. It's couples with their arms slung over each other's shoulders, and pals that make alternating beer runs and river jumps for each other. And last year I more or less went alone - I went with one of SP's friends who drove me absolutely wild the whole time until I felt I had to wander away or wring her neck. And I walked around the place feeling a little lost, and more than a little lonely. I made myself feel better by imagining the groups of friends who would absolutely love the place and enjoy a reunion with kids running wild and hot dogs and tofu burgers over the camping stove. It wasn't hard to imagine a great percentage of my friends who would adore it.

But it proves harder to get any of them to go. Mostly, they are not around at this time of the year or live too far away. But also, it's just a busy time. I was pissed at NM, though, I have to admit... for backing out at the last minute like she does about 75% of the time on things that matter to me. But I also know NM well enough to understand that I can't bank on her, so I was hardly surprised.

Anyhow, now for the griping part. I found out - at the last minute and through the grapevine - that actually quite a few local people I know were going. But not a one of them contacted me to ask if I want to join. Ali's and Pedro's friend Dan stopped by on his way back to the Jamboree on day 2 of the festival... and at that point invited me to join, but I had just gone on this tough solo+dog camping trip on a 45-degree trail to make myself feel a little less like a loser. And so I was tired and sore, and didn't feel like scraping up my shit for a few hours of a pricey festival.

But what about my Bville friends? Why didn't a single one of them call and ask if I was going? Ask me if I wanted to join their camping unit?

Is it because I'm a jerk? Is it because I didn't call them first (which always seems like my job!!)? Is it because they're mostly SP's friends and don't like me because I didn't make SP happy? Is it because they're Bville-ers and just don't think about other people? Is it because we've never fully connected, despite the camping, hiking, partying, art-admiring we've done together? But why is that? Why do I only have one-point-five friends in Bville after 3+ years who will actually call me up and ask me to do things with them? (And why does MH have to leave during August? And why does the .5 always call me up so late and only every now and again?)

But more to the point, why am I still here, like a stupid kid with a crush who keeps hanging around the ballpark hoping the star athlete will look over and say, "Why hello, gorgeous"?

On the side of self-castigation, I was clearly sulking by not going. Also, I am a little stand-offish and I think people don't even know sometimes I want to be included. And I didn't call them and ask what they were up to. And I whine too much and don't SHINE enough. So what if I don't have friends yet, maybe tomorrow if I just give it a little more oomph, I will!? And maybe they will be so beautiful, like my other far-flung friends, that they will make my heart ache.

Maybe.