Yesterday I rationalized skipping my Artist's Book class today, which is something I don't do very often... skip classes, that is. Unless of course I hate the class, when I sort of passive aggressively show up as tardy as possible, and ditch the two-three classes we're allowed to miss. But I don't hate Artist's Books, so why then skip the class?

I told myself, and it was partly true, that I was skipping because of my neck pain, which probably needs a little TLC, i.e. at least one week not bending over things and meticulously focusing. The other part is that, although I'm not doing as much as I'm capable of doing, I'm still really tired all the time. I try to give myself time off, to relax in front of the TV or go over to my buddy lh's house, maybe go for a walk, eat an ice cream with kx, or treat myself to sinful pleasures.

(My sinful pleasures last week involved me spending too much money. Money I don't have, from a job that I also don't have. Money on loan. Money given to me from my parents who are helping me through Art School, I think under the assumption that I will learn amazing things, be able to support myself afterwards, make them proud, and in the case of my mother... learn to be happy.

So, the money I don't have and shouldn't be spending was nevertheless used on wonderful, delicious items: different forms of "paper" to run through my printer, and a print cartridge. The "paper" includes magnetic sheets, iron-on's, sticker paper, and glossy photo paper.

Ever since, I've been interrogating everyone I know or meet as to what they would put on a magnet if they had the chance. The answers have been interesting, and some folks brought up the vague idea that they wouldn't want their magnets to go on plain ol' fridges. One person wanted to do a self-portrait of her genital area, take the magnets to bars, and throw them at people she likes, insisting that they could stick it wherever they want, just not near the fridge. (the last naughty comment was my addition).

I've already made one iron-on, although I don't have a plain, dark cotton shirt to put it on and can't rationalize more expenditure for awhile.)

But back to the being tired. Knowing myself, the tiredness has to mean that I'm totally stressed out, because when I'm stressed, I get tired, cranky, tense and much more slobby/slovenly. Check, check, check and check.

And of course, I know exactly where the stress is coming from, I just don't know how to deal with it. School's ending this semester, I will be totally out of money since I'm not working, I don't know if I want to go back to teaching but I'm not positive what the options would be (I do love teaching, but I do not like the college shuffle, the pretty much permanent instability, and the huge amount of off-hour time it takes). Also, I want to make something awesome this semester... and I want my writing to take off again. I want to make sure that after school I'm not depressed because all my friends are gone and Chicago doesn't feel like home, and I want to not brood on dumbgirls. I want, I don't want, I want, I don't want.

But mostly I probably just need to relax and be systematic about my approach to everything, from cleaning my room to writing and on over to applying for jobs. Slow down, take a day off every now and then, etc.

Which was my plan.

But funnily enough, I am so totally out of food and stubborn about shopping, that I dragged some chicken out of the freezer yesterday, and decided to make a hot noodle soup because I had some habaneros lying around the bottom of my vegie bin. So, I roasted up four habaneros, crushed them in lime juice, seared the chicken, cooked it all up with a little sage and tarragon, and then... made myself sick.

Just for the record, and feel free to make it an idiom: four habaneros is two too many habaneros. Sneaky little bastards - made my "sick day" into a sick day. Oh, but they tasted good.