n. infantile pattern of suckle-swallow movement in which the tongue is placed between incisor teeth or between alveolar ridges during initial stage of swallowing (if persistent can lead to various dental abnormalities) v. [content removed due to Bush campaign to clean up the internet] n. act of nyah-nyah v. pursuing with relentless abandon the need to masticate and thrust the world into every bodily incarnation in order to transform it, via the act of salivation, into nutritive agency

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

enough of the pity party

So I realized today that I am once again officially depressed.

I actually did a remarkable job getting over the journal rejection - decided to do everything up proper and set up a database to keep track of submissions and whatnot, and realized that I certainly cannot whine as I have not submitted nearly enough. But that cheerful realization did little to stem the downward spiral of my thoughts.

I think it finally hit today what it means that I was not given a creative writing course for next year... it means, I think, that although I am the only person who applied for the job who has an MFA (in addition to Masters) and in creative writing, I am still not qualified enough. That is, being qualified is not enough to qualify me over those less qualified. I also heard that the people who got the job were two people who've been teaching the class for years, and a newbie: my friend MH [awkward cough]. The whole thing made me wonder who the fuck has it out for me in that department...

Anyhow, thinking about all that just helped me realize what a fucking horrible pathetic existence I have. My three happy thoughts are my dog, my mom, and my garden, but other than that... my friends are too far away, my relationships are blotto, my writing is shit right now, Bville is boring, I get paid next to nothing, I have to read 43 crappy essays (and about 4 good ones) twice a week, I'm not qualified enough to do even the only fucking thing I'm qualified to do, I still miss someone from years ago who never treated me very well in the first place, I experience back pain every day of my life, my best friend still texts me in the middle of the night about her illness and mostly upsets me when I see her even, and... and... and I'm fat. And I make lists of my misery. And type them on my blog so strangers and friends can see how miserable I am. Poor me.

I think I cannot be a miserable heap any longer. Time to start applying and looking elsewhere for reals. May the job applications be hardy, my skin be thick like Cheney's ass, and the love affairs be imminent.
You can do it!
I constantly complain on my blog... fortunately people don't read it too much... only people who do google searched on Ann Curry in boots.

Today the Vermont Studio Center released their list of Fellowship Recipients for their last round... I know two people on the list. I was pissed off that even though I got in I didn't get any money... there is always going to be someone who does better than you or has more success.... we just have to suck it up and plug along...
Well, congrats about the Vermont Studio Center. :)

My main google searchers are very, very naughty people: "thurst in...," or "tongueing..." Very blushy.

I'm feeling a bit less overall depressed, but still upset that an educational institution would so devalue educational qualification (not to mention I got great reviews and results). Nepotism seems to be live and well, and though I know it's not everyone in the department (several of whom clearly got my back), it's still disheartening.

A neon billboard (blackboard?) of a message that it's time to move on whether I want to or not, that's for sure.
Oh, and I bet you'll have one of those fellowships in the next... um, three years. It's a bet.
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