So I realized today that I am once again officially depressed.

I actually did a remarkable job getting over the journal rejection - decided to do everything up proper and set up a database to keep track of submissions and whatnot, and realized that I certainly cannot whine as I have not submitted nearly enough. But that cheerful realization did little to stem the downward spiral of my thoughts.

I think it finally hit today what it means that I was not given a creative writing course for next year... it means, I think, that although I am the only person who applied for the job who has an MFA (in addition to Masters) and in creative writing, I am still not qualified enough. That is, being qualified is not enough to qualify me over those less qualified. I also heard that the people who got the job were two people who've been teaching the class for years, and a newbie: my friend MH [awkward cough]. The whole thing made me wonder who the fuck has it out for me in that department...

Anyhow, thinking about all that just helped me realize what a fucking horrible pathetic existence I have. My three happy thoughts are my dog, my mom, and my garden, but other than that... my friends are too far away, my relationships are blotto, my writing is shit right now, Bville is boring, I get paid next to nothing, I have to read 43 crappy essays (and about 4 good ones) twice a week, I'm not qualified enough to do even the only fucking thing I'm qualified to do, I still miss someone from years ago who never treated me very well in the first place, I experience back pain every day of my life, my best friend still texts me in the middle of the night about her illness and mostly upsets me when I see her even, and... and... and I'm fat. And I make lists of my misery. And type them on my blog so strangers and friends can see how miserable I am. Poor me.

I think I cannot be a miserable heap any longer. Time to start applying and looking elsewhere for reals. May the job applications be hardy, my skin be thick like Cheney's ass, and the love affairs be imminent.