So, I had something of a realization the other day after talking to SP for the first time in a couple months. She sounds happy, like in a simple kind of away. When I asked her what she was doing, she listed three things... two of which are just those dreams she's wanted for a long time, and the third was the job to make it possible to maintain. It didn't sound so complicated, this catch, that sound. And it actually made me happy...

I think too often I've been consumed with what's fair or not fair. I've had some smug people push events and love in my face in rather nasty ways, and over the years I've developed a habit of resentment. Looking back always. Angrily.

[There's not much else to do in Bville]

But I felt happy for SP, then, and I realized that I felt like in a small way, I was partially responsible for that happy sound. As round about as it is: if I hadn't acknowledged that I wasn't going to be able to make SP happy like that, she wouldn't have moved forward. And so she released something that wasn't going to work, that both of us knew wasn't going to work, and went out and pursued with relentless abandon the very thing she knew would make her happy. Release, move forward.

It's not the same thing that would make me happy. Obviously, or our story would be different.

But it is what makes her happy, and I have to admit I suddenly started feeling respect for her speedy and dedicated search for what she wants. Something doesn't work, go find something that does. Don't stop, and whine, and contemplate, and brood, and process. Just go. And yeah, I left the phone call feeling happy for her [although not yet ready to talk about her new girlfriend (I gave myself two weeks)].

On the way home from work that night, I asked myself: what would it take to make me sound that way, with that sound in my voice? What simple changes would work?

The answer was surprising to me. It didn't involve a relationship. I think that if I found a person I was interested in, I would go for it. But I've been too focused on dating for a long time, and really all the ladies just drive me absolutely crazy. Often I don't even like them. They sure as shit don't make me feel the way SP sounds. And so maybe it's not surprising that romance wasn't the first thing that occurred to me.

The first answer is a little embarrassing: to be a non-drinker. The second answer is hardly surprising considering how important it is to me to inhabit the body. The third answer had to do with finding pleasure in creating again. Fuzzy pleasure. Warm bunny pleasure. Like, this is the only thing I want to do when it is raining outside pleasure. The fourth answer had to do with finding people to watch, buildings to examine, a place that is stimulating with a whole variety of different types of people for me to study and admire. And the fifth answer was that I wanted to learn something new.

All of the answers are alone, and by myself, and okay.

So I booked myself a ticket to Costa Rica for December.

And I'm after it, that sound.