1) It's scary shit, but I'm not in a place to do anything more meaningful than snuzzle my puppy, which I would do anyway.

2) The thought makes me feel simultaneously sad and like a sci-fi freak dressed up, of course, as Spock.

7) I can't help hoping that folks would never, ever do this experiment if there were even slightly more than a nil chance of Utter Destruction. What's the percentage?, I need to know. And if it's more than nil, how did it get allowed by God/dess or Government?

9) On the day I get turned down by the only place that's given me a job interview in 6 months, really: that's what you're leaving me with? Isn't there something wrong in the way of karma with that? Have I historically been so bad? Don't I deserve to be rejected at least twice after job interviews before I die via galactic implosion?

9b] By the way, I got turned down by the only place that's given me a job interview in 6 months. It was a great interview, a cool job, and most irritatingly, the company was totally sweet about the whole thing and told me they'd keep my cv on file. They get intense kudos for breaking my heart gently. But I still feel pretty much like subpar peat after it's been mined near an old-fashioned wastewater pit. Perhaps 'someone other than you' was always, always going to be employed.

9c] Other job options to consider: Collecting aluminum cans? Grant-writing for Jehovah Witness Solicitation? Starbucks? Bagging groceries? Writing irrelevant memos? Ground-keppppping (as I recently saw it spelled on someone's paperwork)? Receptionist, waitress, salesgirl (I've applied for these; they don't want me.)? 9$/hr, part-time, no insurance, no vacation, and we'll treat you poorly because we had a bad day?

Maybe I should just focus, because I haven't tried that yet.

Or maybe I should create a time machine, go back and either a] not get a stupid, stupid art degree (completely worthless, obviously I just spent my time doing squat and learning nothing) or b] not even get a B.A. degree but go into physics, because that's the only worthwhile, lucrative, helpful field. I could re-create in the Big Bang in real life instead of just verbally.

That welding class I took wasn't bad either. Or maybe I could trail along the dog-walkers and pick up feces? Did I lose everything I learned in the past three years of my life? Guess so. So I guess it's a chance to start anew. Like as a McDonald's cashier to satisfy my need to be around peoples. Or something akin, or away.

Seriously, I wish I had taken my talents towards being a doctor or scientist or an Airforce Officer. Sheeeet, I even had scholarships in the mathematics arena. Why Why Why did I decide to learn nothing [commercial] over an extended period of time?!

9d] I shouldn't take all this so personally.

9d-2] I apologize for ranting and raving. I'm just freaked out.

9e] Because. I haven't been this unemployed since I was 10 years old and started babysitting, taking inventory at a small engine store, and clipping the hedges at the local Hotel - all the while putting away 25% of my earnings towards my illustrious future.

910] Perhaps I could tastefully duplicate the polled response of those questioned about "what they would do if a nuclear bomb hit their city" and state that I'm fully prepared to respectfully care for the dead, and achieve great things in the new infrastructure?

Surely I'm up for that.

9e] I just want to support myself. And Herald. Maybe a little child in the future if I could. I'm not stupid, am I? I don't have to give up everything I care about, do I? I just need a sign. A sign, like a fucking bolt of lightening scarring the sky for three weeks, if not in a row, then at least nearly a row.

9n] Hard economy, ain't it?

9s] Surely I'd be a more interesting/productive artist if I weren't so concerned with surviving. Is that enough for a grant?

9t] Maybe I won't always be looking for a job. I've applied so many times this past year and received so many rejections... sometimes from more than strangers. The people I've thought on my side i.e. those I thought believed I was smart and worthwhile; is it just me, or have they have bailed whenever they're in the position of not bailing, or just said 'keep trying,' 'keeping considering other locations,'... 'not here.' Not here, not here, not here.

9x] I'll figure it out. I'll be courageous and bold. I'll be more aggressive. I won't rely on old friendships. I'll expect the difficulty.

9z] I just need to relax more.

15] I know I have to keep searching, without bitterness. I don't know what will happen. But this year, minus my new puppy, has really sucked ass. I'm starting to get scared. But I still hope we don't get destroyed tomorrow.

*

Here are the adorable puppies: