n. infantile pattern of suckle-swallow movement in which the tongue is placed between incisor teeth or between alveolar ridges during initial stage of swallowing (if persistent can lead to various dental abnormalities) v. [content removed due to Bush campaign to clean up the internet] n. act of nyah-nyah v. pursuing with relentless abandon the need to masticate and thrust the world into every bodily incarnation in order to transform it, via the act of salivation, into nutritive agency

Tuesday, September 09, 2008

it's the end of the world as we know it...

I am really irritated about the unsatisfying reminders I've recently received by more than two friends... that due to the flagrant new Big Experimentation with Physical Reality Along a Switzerland Tube, perhaps tomorrow we'll quickly / disappointingly experience a Black Hole that quite possibly might swallow all of everything and destroy history and humanity etc -- all gone due to our curiosity and the lack of regulation to subdue it.

How dare they (friends and scientists both) scare me on this crappy day?
1) It's scary shit, but I'm not in a place to do anything more meaningful than snuzzle my puppy, which I would do anyway.

2) The thought makes me feel simultaneously sad and like a sci-fi freak dressed up, of course, as Spock.

7) I can't help hoping that folks would never, ever do this experiment if there were even slightly more than a nil chance of Utter Destruction. What's the percentage?, I need to know. And if it's more than nil, how did it get allowed by God/dess or Government?

9) On the day I get turned down by the only place that's given me a job interview in 6 months, really: that's what you're leaving me with? Isn't there something wrong in the way of karma with that? Have I historically been so bad? Don't I deserve to be rejected at least twice after job interviews before I die via galactic implosion?

9b] By the way, I got turned down by the only place that's given me a job interview in 6 months. It was a great interview, a cool job, and most irritatingly, the company was totally sweet about the whole thing and told me they'd keep my cv on file. They get intense kudos for breaking my heart gently. But I still feel pretty much like subpar peat after it's been mined near an old-fashioned wastewater pit. Perhaps 'someone other than you' was always, always going to be employed.

9c] Other job options to consider: Collecting aluminum cans? Grant-writing for Jehovah Witness Solicitation? Starbucks? Bagging groceries? Writing irrelevant memos? Ground-keppppping (as I recently saw it spelled on someone's paperwork)? Receptionist, waitress, salesgirl (I've applied for these; they don't want me.)? 9$/hr, part-time, no insurance, no vacation, and we'll treat you poorly because we had a bad day?

Maybe I should just focus, because I haven't tried that yet.

Or maybe I should create a time machine, go back and either a] not get a stupid, stupid art degree (completely worthless, obviously I just spent my time doing squat and learning nothing) or b] not even get a B.A. degree but go into physics, because that's the only worthwhile, lucrative, helpful field. I could re-create in the Big Bang in real life instead of just verbally.

That welding class I took wasn't bad either. Or maybe I could trail along the dog-walkers and pick up feces? Did I lose everything I learned in the past three years of my life? Guess so. So I guess it's a chance to start anew. Like as a McDonald's cashier to satisfy my need to be around peoples. Or something akin, or away.

Seriously, I wish I had taken my talents towards being a doctor or scientist or an Airforce Officer. Sheeeet, I even had scholarships in the mathematics arena. Why Why Why did I decide to learn nothing [commercial] over an extended period of time?!

9d] I shouldn't take all this so personally.

9d-2] I apologize for ranting and raving. I'm just freaked out.

early jobs9e] Because. I haven't been this unemployed since I was 10 years old and started babysitting, taking inventory at a small engine store, and clipping the hedges at the local Hotel - all the while putting away 25% of my earnings towards my illustrious future.

910] Perhaps I could tastefully duplicate the polled response of those questioned about "what they would do if a nuclear bomb hit their city" and state that I'm fully prepared to respectfully care for the dead, and achieve great things in the new infrastructure?

Surely I'm up for that.

9e] I just want to support myself. And Herald. Maybe a little child in the future if I could. I'm not stupid, am I? I don't have to give up everything I care about, do I? I just need a sign. A sign, like a fucking bolt of lightening scarring the sky for three weeks, if not in a row, then at least nearly a row.

9n] Hard economy, ain't it?

9s] Surely I'd be a more interesting/productive artist if I weren't so concerned with surviving. Is that enough for a grant?

9t] Maybe I won't always be looking for a job. I've applied so many times this past year and received so many rejections... sometimes from more than strangers. The people I've thought on my side i.e. those I thought believed I was smart and worthwhile; is it just me, or have they have bailed whenever they're in the position of not bailing, or just said 'keep trying,' 'keeping considering other locations,'... 'not here.' Not here, not here, not here.

9x] I'll figure it out. I'll be courageous and bold. I'll be more aggressive. I won't rely on old friendships. I'll expect the difficulty.

9z] I just need to relax more.

15] I know I have to keep searching, without bitterness. I don't know what will happen. But this year, minus my new puppy, has really sucked ass. I'm starting to get scared. But I still hope we don't get destroyed tomorrow.


Here are the adorable puppies:

Hey bez,
It's your home-town friend here. You know, the one who works as a server/cleaner/landscapppper/photographer/whateverels I can do to make money around here.

But hey, I am in school in order to better my financial future and do something I like and consider worth while. But your not being a very good role-model of a successful college grad! I mean shit, if you can't get a effin fabulous, decent paying job with all that knowledge that you paid top dollar to cultivate, then what hope do I have.

I mean your acting like were in some sort of economic recession or something, or like we live in a town where getting a decent paying job that you actually enjoy is comparable to finding a pearl in an oyster shell.
Come on now, it seems that you're going to have to pull on your super-duper thinking cap and get realllllly creative at coming up with places that you could find potential employment with. I mean hey, you haven't really looked for work in this town until you've turned in at least 50 applications and been turned down almost every time. Seriously woman!

This is a very desirable place to live. And if you want to be living here then you better be willing and able to grovel for employment, get the shit kicked out of you in the process, and then get up and beg for more. "Hit me again, Ike, and this time PUT SOME STANK into it!" You have to earn your citizenship and show all those rich-retirees that have taken over our town without bringing any new commerce with them, that a smart woman with a MFA CAN come back to her home town and effin get a job, damn it! After all this is the city of subdued excitement (and employment) and nothing comes easy or hard. It all comes really, really, really, hard. But, I know that your up for the task and that you will succeed!
Much love and positive vibes to ya, woman.

Your going to drive me nuts. Your so upbeat it drives me nuts!

I know I was griping in a really whiny kind of way, but. I think I must been due for work because I've turned in about 50 apps and been turned down not almost, but actually every time.

Unfortunately I'm not willing to grovel. I can't grovel. I'm not a groveler. I wish I could grovel. That would be a good skill to have. But I've already worked just about every stanky job known to humanity, and I'm just not willing to go back to that.

The question is: where does that leave me?

Ug. Hugs, see you soon. -j
Ragamuffin P. Sweepster! Send me your resume toute suite! I shall sprinkle my magic pixie dust on it, I swear!

I've had 3 job interviews within the past week, and after the last one, I felt (once again) like an old whore. A whore, I tell you! (Telegrammatic subtext: Yes, dear Bank Account, I am yours, yours, yours! I am ready to go back to a goddamned office and wipe that smirking MFA off my resume. And wear polyester-blend SLACKS.)

Truth is, in the before and after and again once more, I've gone from wanting to stab myself in the eyes to stabbing myself in the chest. Belly-stabbing should be around the corner soon. I'm excited.
Fryagirlever E. Day! Three interviews. gfy, you're a pixie whore. sprinkle magic pixie whore dust on my toute sweetie resume please.

I've applied for everything. Not everything: I draw the line at gas attendant (I dreamt I worked at Starbucks last night and the spider-alien-scorpion that lived in the microwave metamorphed into an phocomelic woman who turned out to be an exceptional adviser for those in the music industry, but she required 2/3 full-sized dwarves per month to maintain her vampiric edge. We all danced to the Flashdance song, along a mat room, and let me tell you, I overcame my suspicion of her powers and rocked the dance floor). I'm even unqualified for substitute teaching in the public school system, as I found out today, so I'm not even attempting to teach anymore.

I guess what I'm trying is extremely unheard of: turning from a life of street whoredom, with its meth labs and sprangled-tooth sly grins, to that life of upper-crust Pretty Woman hot sexy corporate-pimped sleekiness. I want a fancy hotel room, not a car's backseat. Is that wrong of me? Am I social climber?

At least you're not stabbing your knees yet; it makes it difficult to escape fast. Good for the bears though.
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