How did today slip away so damn fast?

Oh, yeah. That's what happens when I crash at S's place and then have to get breakfast, get home, get the house and self cleaned, play with the dog, and do my page a day. Grrrrr.

But the good side is that I had a very nice co-birthday party last night with JT. S and JT's girlfriend put it together for us, which was even nicer, since I didn't have to do anything other than show up with some pesto spaghetti-squash and a fresh salad from my garden. The food was splendid... cakes and goodies (maple bars with bacon on it!! yuck. chocolate dip and strawberries! um, yes.), plus all kinds of mostly vegetarian affairs. I was very impressed. I was also impressed by how many people came: two people from my community college who haven't visited me before, my friend Ehben who has been AWOL for a bunch of months, N, the regular crew that's developed (S's crew), JT's friends, and a couple of folks who I'm getting the awesome feeling are going to be friends. My studio-mate JW made me a rainbow "gay" cake that apparently has mysterious qualities up for interpretation.

I had a very nice time with N for it being such a short period of time to see her, and her present made me want to cry. For starters, she gave me a beautiful artist's book, one that I've even heard of and lusted after. But she also gave me a small empty canvas, so 'we can begin again' (and I need to find a way to tell her that we don't need to, that as soon as I saw her, everything was okay again, feels fine). And last, the humorous present: apparently we both picked up a set of prayer flags for each other; I got her a set on Orcas, and she got me a set in Seattle. And we haven't even ever talked about prayer flags either. Loved it.

S made the comment upon watching us together (she hasn't really seen us interact for more than a few minutes before) that it's interesting watching me 'dote' on someone. And I asked, surprised, I dote on N? And she said yes. I thought about it for a bit, and guess she's probably right. It's an interesting word, dote. I wondered a bit if S was jealous, but I don't think she was... or at least I hope not. She has her children and nephews and nieces and tons of siblings to dote on. I think I must only dote on N and my mom, and sometimes my sister and grandparents. I dote on JS a bit sometimes too. I totally would dote unabashedly on my god-daughter (and her mother) were they not so damn far away. It's hard to dote from a distance although I do my best. I think I like doting when it happens, and I think it's a perfect descriptor for how I feel about N. I used to wonder years ago if I was "in love" with N because I like her so much (a question my sister pestered me ruthlessly into considering), but decided it's more like a big sister feeling, only A doesn't let me dote on her too much, but N does. Heh. Anyhow, it was interesting to think about, and felt good to be able to say that yes, maybe I do still dote on some few others in this world.

Not to say that I don't adore many of the people I don't dote on. I just don't dote often, I guess. Dote. Dote. Dote.

Okay, moving on because I have to go home soon and get up super-early and be massively psychotically productive all day tomorrow.

I got back from visiting Orcas Island with S a couple of days ago. It was really an incredible trip although I wouldn't say that it was entirely relaxing. I think maybe I have a hard time relaxing when I'm not by myself. So, instead of relaxing, we stayed busy and went on walks, visited the town, drove the roads and daydreamed about living on an island (a daydream that both S and I apparently share), and took Herald to the beach, and watched the dears, and sat in the hot tubs, and hung out with the kid who works there and gives us (S) a discount because he likes us (S) so much. He actually told us that next time we might be able to come for free if we give him a heads up.

I have to say that S and I got into some arguments and I've been too critical lately and don't quite know how to get out of that mode. Need to maybe get working again so some of my energy is directed rather than focused so much at myself and those close to me. Well, that problem will be solved on Tuesday. Classes begin... and am I prepared? Mentally, check. Realistically, no... dreadfully behind on figuring out my readings, scanning them in, and making PDFs. Thus tomorrow.

But, back to Orcas. S and argued about (discussed?) commitment, use of the term 'dude' for women, religion in America as it pertains to women's historical roles and place in society, methods of arguing (discussing?), holding foodbags on one's lap when one doesn't want to, bossing others around, criticizing, the ability to communicate when it comes to complex things like commitment and relationship stuff, who tells Herald what to do and how, and so forth. It was a little exhausting, for us both I think. S is better at bouncing back from that kind of stuff than I am though, and I'm still sorting it out in my head a bit. I wish I didn't get so defensive... it's funny, but I got into a disagreement with N too a couple weeks ago about the term 'commitment' and what it entails.

I don't know why, but I don't want it right now. Not sure I ever will. I want to just live in today, establish boundaries that work as best they can, be open to what happens tomorrow, and treat each other kindly... in all of my relationships, friends or lover. If you're not having kids or investing money together, why would you want anything else? Anyhow, lots to think about, I guess.

In the meantime, everything is pretty beautiful, and I'm grateful for all the pleasure and happiness I've felt over the past month... and even grateful for the struggle. I feel wiggly spoiled re: the beautiful party S threw, the bent-glass lantern she gave me, and the time she took with me, no phones turned on, no computers, and shared music and books. Not many people are that lucky.