my biggest revelation of the past year was that you can't form your self-identity, ego, or pride around the ways other people view you.

this really hit home when N had her breakdown and told me tons of horrible things about me and my relation to her life. and I knew that I had done better. I knew I was something other than what one of my closest friends described me as, thus I could not be the person others saw me as, full-stop and period. it was clear to me like that: if my best friend saw me in her worst of moments as an enemy, and at the worst of moments I was her closest ally, then obviously who I am has nothing to do with what anybody (if not a close friend, then nobody) sees me as. and in addition to that, I think sometimes that even in the best of times, she sees me as a rescuer more than an entity. a function of her need.

accordingly, I believe there are no true mirrors in human experience, and outsiders can be no better because their perspective is even further limited, a one-eye without the second or third.

then how do you know your worth, value, self? especially when you remember that the self is suspect in its own observation because self-preservation encourages the best and most helpful view of one's self. maybe. mostly? partially? or maybe it is convenient that some people view themselves as less, as subservient to the over-riding glow of others, because that allows all narcissistic folks health and accolades. because some folks will view one's self as the bend-all, the ultimate, the fullmost... and all reasoning will be bent to such ends. between self-love and self-hatred and self-ignorance, how can we know our selves? or our selves in relation to anybody else, even?

I certainly know who has been narcissistic in my life, but I wonder what it means to be narcissistic. what would it mean to wake up in twenty years and have someone tell you that's who you are? in ten years? in five?

there's been a 'subtle' battle I've had with a recent student who accused me today of bias. I wrote 6 nice pages in response to his accusation and wondered about my instinct to smash his smug, irrational, uneducated, unreasonable, complacent cute young face in. uh oh, I'm having a mean session coming on. my instinct was to tell him to go fuck a goat rather than waste my brain space with his totally unreasoned, un-evidenced ridiculous prejudice and bias. I didn't want to have to deal with his dumb-as-shit crap-all name-calling douchey dangerous etcetera. ouch, did I just say that? but I guess responding politely is my job... my six pages were all reasoned and helpful, like that will help. I mean, I guess I've been hired to facilitate conversation. like, I've really be hired to hear and reach out... rather than telling someone that they're totally full of uneducated shit.

is it unreasonable to not want to give rhetorical skills to these racist homophobic male-chauvinists? might I also question my adjectives and nouns? might I just hope he finds a business school without ethics... and does what he's already set to do, without question or exploration? arg! I know I'm supposed to do better! but I also know that an angel loses her wings every time someone trades their gray cells for propaganda.

sometimes the negotiation is really rough. sometimes I haven't a slightest clue what makes me who I am. or why I'm bothering to listen to people who have no intention of listening back. i.e. it's hard to be a teacher. it's hard to figure out who you are outside of outside weigh-in sessions... when a student calls you biased, or a friend tells you you didn't do enough, or you tell yourself that you're doing too much... and the truth lies in (e) none of the above.

it's raining like crazy, I tell you... a sound like scallop shells rattling in a stream.