Herald is pleased with me tonight because I've promised him a long-awaited walk tomorrow before I teach and tutor. Such hedonism, he says, it suits me.

I feel good this week, at least about the energy I've put forth into the world. My students have been thanking me, lingering around after the end of class to talk about their excitements, or ask me about the creative writing class (that I have not yet prepped!!!) I'll be teaching in the future. Thanks for recommendations that have landed placements, and thanks for pushing hard and not relenting. Thanks for going the extra mile for student veterans, which is interesting for me: so against the wars and military creeds, so... really, admiring and compassionate for the soldiers... at least the ones that show up at community college with their traumas and experience and pain and confusion and disconnect from society at large. I find myself spending extra extra time for those students, worrying about them constantly, wanting to let them know they've been heard. So, it was nice to get a smallthanks from one of them, letting me know that I'm on the right path.

On a side/related note, I'm still very worried that DADT will continue without question, that shame will continue to be institutionalized after the new round of discriminators get installed. It really weighs on me whether America decides to continue to solidify prejudice in the governmental system or not, what pathway is chosen for the future. It speaks so much about who we are, and I am scared about what we could become. Subtle prejudice is strong enough without the reinforcement of law. Even if I want to keep every queer person away from further war or trauma or disconnect, etc. Like they haven't had enough. But really, it's their choice.

I don't talk about this with my students, actually. I wonder if I should sometimes. If they thank me for listening to them, might I ask them to listen to me? Unfortunately, that doesn't feel like the job I'm meant to do...

Anyhow, I am prepping stuff to send out. Again. Despite the rejections. It is agonizing since I recognize the weaknesses of what I'm sending out at the same time as understanding that I am done. And despite recognizing the flaws in what I do, I am still done. In addition, it is agonizing since I recognize the weaknesses of what I'm sending out at the same time as understanding that I am finito. And despite recognizing the flaws in what I do, I am still not invested anymore. Oui? Until the next round, maybe?

I am also trying to find the direction through my nonfiction/image piece, the current question being: why would others be interested in this stuff? What would make anyone care? I have spent time on the images, because that seems more obvious, but why would anyone read about my thoughts on interconnection, community, love in its variety, friendship, etc.? I keep discarding and redoing. I can't figure out if I'm supposed to make everything a story, or if it's okay to talk about the philosophy and gaps in philosophy. I can't figure out if what I'm saying is naive, or inapplicable. Sometimes it's even vengeful or angry, and how can that be channeled without being self-congratulatory and judgmental? I can't quite find the direction, and I'm second-guessing my instincts here. I mean, I've read enough Hunter Thompson, Dalai Lama, and Annie Dillard to understand what people seek in creative nonfiction. But what I have to say is way less educated, philosophical or adventurous than any of that. What I am trying to say is incomplete, torn sometimes, even childish. How to make that interesting, or relevant?

I guess I just better do it, set a new goal, and then do that, etc. I keep trying to remember that everyone follows their own path through time, and I shouldn't gather the pressures exerted by other people's achievements. But everybody just keeps having babies, and I seem just a touch barren. I guess I have a dog, a mind, a job, and a hope... yet I'd just kill for a little bit of ruthless and viciously passionate birth. Sigh.

I am glad though, that my students sometimes tell me I help. It's definitely something.