n. infantile pattern of suckle-swallow movement in which the tongue is placed between incisor teeth or between alveolar ridges during initial stage of swallowing (if persistent can lead to various dental abnormalities) v. [content removed due to Bush campaign to clean up the internet] n. act of nyah-nyah v. pursuing with relentless abandon the need to masticate and thrust the world into every bodily incarnation in order to transform it, via the act of salivation, into nutritive agency

Monday, January 21, 2008

hateful hating hateroony stupid cover letters

why do they always feel like this:

*

Fabulous McExcellent
#1 N. Diva Ave, #1
1-800-ulo-veme
McExcellent.Fabulous@gmail.com

Dear Sir or Madam:

Looking at your splendid, gorgeous organization, I know I would be a marvelous, and indeed fabulous, addition to your spiritually magnificent, sublime team.

I'd like you to know I'm fabulous. In fact, I'm beyond fabulous, because I have been actively producing fabulous during my entire life. In particular, I have almost reached Uber-fabulous in my recent work being outwardly and directly fabulous. I have, in multiple instances, demonstrated my ease and facility at being fabulous. Among these demonstrations of personal fabulousness, I have also assisted others to become fabulous as we worked together, almost always without a hitch, as members of a spiritually magnificent, sublime team. In fact, I personally believe it impossible to fully express one's own fabulousness without uniting - using great multi-tasking, networking, innovative, self-motivated, graceful, organized, dedicated and yet flexible skills - with others to form a spiritually magnificent, sublime team. In this incredible and awe-inspiring process, I have been fabulous, and in fact will always be fabulous, as demonstrated by my infinite, yet moderated capacity for fabulous in the most unique and yet coordinated ways.

That is, my fabulousness will fit perfectly with your fabulousness. We could get together and make fabulous babies, metaphorically speaking of course, as I have the utmost ethical and honest habits in the literal world. But to be specific: typing, fabulous; program knowledge, fabulous; creativity, fabulous; phone skills, um... remarkable; language skills, fabulous in Spanish and English; past experience, meteorite fabulous; diplomacy skills, tremendously fabulous; writing skills, oh don't even get me started on my fabulousness in writing skills; making coffee, the most fabulous; salary requirements, call me your fabulous serf.

If you need further information on my fabulous magnificence, feel free to contact me at any time, at your leisure in fact. I will of course provide fabulous references from marvelous, sublime ethereal creatures upon request. And I would love to fly through the air on my strutted, fabulous angel wings to meet with you and discuss your splendid and indeed gorgeous organization. May the universe bless you for your time,

With incredible aptitude,

Fabulous McExcellent
Comments:
Fabulous,simply fabulous!
I most certainly, and fabulously, feel your fabulous pain, as I have also been trying, in ridiculous ways, to market my own fabulousness. Except here, one's fabulousness is potentially tainted by two-hundred other fabulous applicants all vying for the same not-so-fabulous,pee-on jobs! Fucking fabulous!
La
 
yup.
 
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