n. infantile pattern of suckle-swallow movement in which the tongue is placed between incisor teeth or between alveolar ridges during initial stage of swallowing (if persistent can lead to various dental abnormalities) v. [content removed due to Bush campaign to clean up the internet] n. act of nyah-nyah v. pursuing with relentless abandon the need to masticate and thrust the world into every bodily incarnation in order to transform it, via the act of salivation, into nutritive agency

Thursday, January 24, 2008

pros and cons of solitude

Chicago BeachWell, I reckon I haven't given an uptodate account of my happenings for some time, perhaps because I'm not really sure why I would. Heh.

I've started to feel the question slide about re: why I keep a blog going anymore, or really why I started one in the first place. Originally, I think it started as the bastard offspring of being abroad and wanting to stay in touch, and an indirect method of correspondence with the ex whom I couldn't find any other means of healthily speaking with. Then, I think it evolved into a means of thinking, becoming more aware of the details, and developing my writing. And in its final evolution, perhaps simply a place to find audience.

But I'm not sure about my reasons anymore; the writing has slacked off, and I don't find my most creative ventures to be generated by bloggering. I feel a little sullenly without audience, and I can't rationalize that need as a compelling force anymore. Perhaps I am moving back to the idea that writing need be a solitary activity, and in order for me to really enjoy writing, I should seek pleasure from being myself with my ideas and typing fingers.

Which gets to the question I have been forced to look at, which is what are the benefits of solitude? It's a pressing question, as I am pretty much involved in the aloneness as a daily activity. I'm looking for jobs, which means forcing myself to write cover letters and resumes for jobs I really want but never hear back about, or jobs I don't want that I likewise don't hear back about. And in order to not become a ruddy alcoholic, I'm actively looking for methods of entertaining myself, and trying not to feel hugely lonely, or too dependent on lh since he's my main Chicago friend.

So, in between the job search I have started to:

*Take walks, although it's horribly cold around here and I fear frostbite constantly as my toes become more than ingrown in my three, yes, three pairs of socks. It's pretty nice to take walks, but not enough of my daily route to really distract me.

*Watch movies I shouldn't be renting from the expensive little local shop down the street. In particular, I've cultivated an enjoyment of TV-series films, and have now finished A) the fourth season of The L-word, which was less odious than the third season which means I actually finished watching it; secretly, I liked this season. B) The Tudors: although this show rather makes a spectacle of itself and enjoys wallowing in the absurdly contemporary lasciviousness of history, it also inspired me to sit down for four hours and read up on Henry VIII, Catherine I, Anne Boleyn, Mary I, Elizabeth I, Edward VI, Cromwell, Thomas More, Eramus, etc etc.

*Frolic on goodreads, maybe because I've been winging my way through a few books lately, enjoying reading again, including most recently Vernon God Little.

*Dance. It's about time I started doing this again, as I'm currently an out-of-shape blob. I had a great time dancing with Ms. B this past Monday - at Chances. The music was slow at first and I almost left - the two dj's were spending more time making-out than mixing, and I was entirely annoyed. Then a few other dj's joined in and funked it up, to my pleasure.

Chicago BeachYeah, so that's about it beyond applying and avoiding applying. Why doesn't some workplace just know all about me and want me automatically?

I've also started prepping for the one class I'm teaching. I went to a recent meeting they had for all their instructors, and ended up thinking that this school is what a college would look like if it were run by your friendly neighborhood grocery store. It ought to be interesting, and I'm looking forward to having something to do besides biting my nails.

Thoughts about dating again, now that I have time. Perhaps I'm too petrified to even know what to do anymore. Dating is not like riding a bicycle. I had dinner this week with a very, very young girl who was after me this summer, and I was halfway freaked out that she would hit on me, and halfway something else. Ultimately, it was a nice, relaxed dinner during which we re-affirmed that we are interested in vastly different things (me: casual dating; her: having babies). So, that's that.

I partially think that things will be a bit better when my new roommate finally moves in. She was supposed to move in last weekend, but came down with the flu and considering the negative-degree weather, it's probably a good thing she didn't have to move that weekend. But it means that the apartment is freakishly empty beyond my bedroom and office, which I've come to think makes the apartment cold, cold and really fucking cold. No furniture to capture the heat, or something like that. Also, there's other anxiety surrounding this, because I don't really know if we're going to like each other yet. I'm hoping so, but you never know.

Anyhow. Here's the list of reasons why solitude might not be such a bad way to go:
1) It forces you into a space where you have to grow and change in order to keep yourself interested.

2) Plenty of reading time.

3) If you find yourself face-to-face with bullshit, you know it's only your own.

4) Stories begin to fill you.

5) You can startle yourself.
That's about it for right now. I could think of other things to put on there, but it would be dishonest since I don't particularly enjoy them (such as, nobody asking you to do too much for them).
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