Since I should be working on one of the four applications for the schools I'm applying to teach at full-time starting next fall (yeah, they're hiring now, the meanies), or at least preparing for the class I'm currently teaching and that already makes me want to pull out my hairs one by one, I figured I would help my sister prepare for the upcoming interviews she has with The Vet Schools.

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Dear A,

I know you are a smart lady, but surely you need my expert help in preparing for your interviews. You wouldn't want to embarrass yourself by showing up all sassy in one of your sharp little vet pajama-sets, only to discover that you have no answers for their challenging and often mystical questions. So I have composed a list of highly-probable questions they will want to ask you. For some of them, I have written the right answer.

And I know you may doubt my ability to help you, since I, as opposed to your smarty britches, have not had o-chem, biochem, nuerochem, physics, or that class that made your head bulge slightly in the left lobe (which one was that?). But I would like to assure you that I have far more experience applying for various schools or jobs, and then showing up to the interviews unprepared. You may doubt me, but let me assuage your fears; yes, I have a far greater track record of mishap, incompetence, and unpreparedness than you have ever deigned to aspire to.

Should I even mention that one interview I went to, the one for the Russian refugee coordinator position? You know, the interview that was conducted half in Russian. The one I got done with, walked home from, and only then looked up the Russian word "refugee," perhaps a bit latish. No, you believe me?

Well then, okay, here are your interview questions:

What would be your response if a cat entered your office on its hind legs? Would you be startled by its long, blackish boots? What about the feather jutting up from his cap? On a scale of 1 to 10, ten being outright suspicion, how much would you trust this cat?

First, I would ask him on whose behalf he was walking. I might cry a little at his dedication. And although I would admire his boots greatly, even ask him where he had them tailored, I would not be startled by them. After all, what's so damn startling about boots? As for the feather, it would depend on what kind of it was. If it were a phoenix feather, I would ask him how his stomach was feeling. That would probably be my initial diagnosis, in fact. 5.

Catch? Or release?

Aha. Tricky, but aren't you leaving out the truest option?

How many electrons does Seaborgium have?

[Look it up, lazy.]

If you were trapped on a life raft with a Bengal tiger, orangutan, hyena, rat, several spiders, and your sister, how would you go about protecting your sister?

[Everything depends on your personal answer to this one.]

On a related note, are you aware of how hyenas give birth? Do you think that's okay? How would you employ genetic engineering to give the female hyena a nicer experience?

Yes. No. It is my philosophy as a teacher, um vet, to give them the tools to enable themselves and their future populations without further interference from us dastardly interlopers.

True or False: "Moby Dick" meant exactly what it means now when Melville was writing his novel.

True.

How much would the wolf have had to puff to get the bricks down? (We want the equation for this one).

Oh, that's easy.

True or False:
"A horse is a horse, of course, of course,
And no one can talk to a horse of course."

Duh. Nobody's the boss of anyone else's mouth!

Talk about yourself. How are you in the patience department?

[This is all you.]

Do you mind when neutered male cats try to hump your arm? Why or why not.

[Ibid]

Why did the little dog laugh?

He thought it great fun for fork to be cuckolded by a pair of lesbian half-cutleries.

If you love animals so much, and humans are animals too, then how can you consider leaving people out of your practice and only dealing with other animals? Are you prejudiced? Don't you feel ashamed?

[Hmmm. Interesting... I will leave it to your conscience.]

Which flies higher, an ostrich or a penguin?

Depends on which dwarf is doing the tossing.

What is your position on HMOs?

[Ibid]

If a cluster of baby penguins collected somewhere along the lakeshore (rather than locked inside a glass-walled room of the Lincoln Park zoo), would you have been better able to bear the subzero weather this year? Why or why not.

Yes. Because I would just go over to the lake, stroll over to one of them, put my arm around him/her, look up at the stars, maybe chat about their kids, and offer a Klondike bar or two. [acknowledgment of this answer grudgingly given to Girlfriday]

or

No. Because those bastards always think they're cute enough to invite themselves over to my house, eat my stashed hidden chocolate (which they always can find), and then leave cacao-scented poos all over my hardwood floors as they scramble back to their subarctic bastions.

Why did God make the platypus so damn funny looking?

Who could resist?

If, after the wolf had been sewn up with the rocks inside his belly, you wished to save an endangered species from falling into a well without performing invasive surgery, what would you do?

Anne of Green Gables already taught me about the wonders of ipecac, but I'd probably add a slab of butter to help with the passage.

What? You think you already know everything? What are you, a smarty britches? Why do you think we'd want a smarty britches strutting about our campus, acting all smarty with your little smarty nose?

***

I might have left out a few, so feel free to add to A's list. The better prepared she is, the more we can hit her up for free x-rays when we get bored in the future.